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Beat Kids

My sister’s kids, 7 & 4, jointly own a Nintendo Wii console. They’re pretty good, so I can usually expect to lose when I play against them… but not at boxing! For several rounds they took turns winning flawless victories against me. I was exhausted and sweaty when I realized what was going wrong. To beat children, you must punch downward.

Almost Got Stabbed (c.2007)

I once had a blog titled My Day Off, and It went a lil’ something like this:

”  10/3/07 –
An old schoolmate of mine plays the guitar and sings every day from 11am to 2pm at BB Kings House of Blues. I hadn’t seen him in a few years. I’m proud to see that he is succeeding. So yesterday when I got out of work early I decided to go there and listen to him and get some lunch. I don’t like to count costs but I think it will help the story to mention that parking was $9 for one hour. I think thats too much.

I went in and sat down. When he noticed I was there he played “my old friend”, and during his break we told each other what had been up with ourselves. It was cool.

I finished my food and made it back to the parking lot ten minutes late. There was a $16 fine on my windshield, and that sorta pissed me off.

So I was mad and heading home. Had to pee. Went to a gas station, peed, and came back to find that I had lost the parking ticket. I looked everywhere inside and out of the vehicle. It was windy so i checked the bushes in case it had fallen out and been blown away. Couldn’t find it. How was I supposed to know where to mail the money?

I gave up looking after some minutes, drove away, then thought I should turn around and go back to the parking lot. I would wait for the guy who writes tickets to come write more tickets; when he arrives, ask him for the address where I was to send the $16 and thus repay my debt to society.

The ticket laid heavy on my mind. I turned around and was re-approaching the gas station. A gentleman about my age was walking toward me away from the station. He signaled for me to come over. I was thinking, “The parking ticket has a description of my vehicle on it, and this man has found the ticket, identified me and wants to give it back. problem solved.” Things were looking up.

When I pulled to the side the plan was to ask him through the window if he had come across the parking ticket. Instead, he got in. I asked if he had found my ticket. He said no and that he needed a ride down the street. I said ok. We took a few turns into a neighborhood. During that period he offered to sell me some crack, which I respectfully declined. He directed me to a dead end street. I pulled a U-turn and stopped to let him out. His hand was shaking when he pulled out a knife and said “give me your wallet.” I said “curse you” and when I reached for my keys, he acted like he was going to cut me, so I jumped out and started running.

There was an old man on a porch behind us. I yelled to him “call the cops!” and he did. Meanwhile, this guy and his knife are chasing me through people’s yards and across the street. My shoes have fallen off and I’m running as fast as I can. Perpendicular to the chase, my truck rolls backward through the yard into the old man’s house, because in my haste I hadn’t taken the time to shift into ‘park’. The chase was getting uncomfortably close so I went to the ground to avoid being slashed from behind. He was out of breath standing over me saying, “Give me your wallet. Don’t make me cut you.” I said “no”, but I spread my hands to let him take the wallet from my pocket. He took it and ran away.

My wallet contained the usual drivers license and bank card along with my social security card and a picture of my nephew. Oh, and one dollar bill.

Six cop cars and a helicopter later, they found my wallet down the street still in tact, minus the dollar. I helped the old man straighten up the bushes that had been broken by the unmanned truck, sign some papers, then I headed back to the parking lot to get that mailing address.

I sat in the parking lot for a about 30 minutes. People came and went, but no ticket-dude. While sitting there I noticed that the empty yellow ticket-envelope that had been sitting on the armrest was now missing. I said aloud, “Am I dreaming? Did i not receive a parking ticket?” I got out of the truck, lifted the seat forward, and there was the ticket.

Then I went and bought a pair of pants, went to the music store, and after that came home and laid down.

Moral of the story: Look behind the seat if you lose something in your car.”

And some people responded to the post, which is pretty cool.

Lori: Is this a joke?!?

Posted by Lori on Saturday, October 06, 2007 at 10:48 PM

Angela: did this seriously happen??

Posted by Angela on Sunday, October 07, 2007 at 10:57 PM

Rosemary: Wow. I would also point out the second, less important moral of the story: Always buy shoes that fit.

Posted by Rosemary on Sunday, October 07, 2007 at 10:57 PM

Scott: Jeez. What a tale. Glad you’re alright!

Posted by Scott on Sunday, October 07, 2007 at 10:58 PM

jason: your a survivor. no-one can take that from you.

Posted by jason on Sunday, October 07, 2007 at 10:58 PM

wyatt: sounds like another day in the life a chris. Could have been worse me and jessie had to spend friday night in jail, and i will probably have to go back.

Posted by wyatt on Sunday, October 07, 2007 at 10:59 PM

lindsey brooke: This is so amazingly cool…(since you are okay). Is this just fiction of your imagination that has decorated a somewhat less colorful night? You are still the best Chris.

Posted by lindsey brooke on Monday, October 08, 2007 at 4:38 PM

mclean: i’m glad that this story had a happy ending, in the since that it could be a whole lot worse. you could have not been so broke or you could have been hurt. well, i guess it’s really just that you could have been hurt.

Posted by mclean on Monday, October 08, 2007 at 10:24 PM

Missing Jack: I’m glad I’m not the only asshole that wondered first if this was a joke. That’s seriously f*cked up.

Posted by Missing Jack on Tuesday, October 09, 2007 at 5:38 PM

Seth: dont be a pussy chris…fight the black chappy…stand up for your right as a gainfully employed, truck-owning white man…dont make us all look like a bunch of queers.

Posted by Seth on Tuesday, October 09, 2007 at 5:39 PM

Jeremy Langerhaans VI: This would make a fantastic short film, only if you were actually in the film as the protagonist though; wouldn’t work so well otherwise.

Posted by Jeremy Langerhaans VI on Tuesday, October 09, 2007 at 11:20 PM

Opression: a new scent by Warner Music Group

Tom’s Demise is a not-for-profit satirical video created in an educational setting. The year was 2005 when Tom’s Demise came to fruition in Wayne Dyer’s animation class. I had had this idea brewing for quite some time: Hanna/Barbera’s characters, Tom and Jerry, to the tune of David Bowie’s Space Oddity. It took four weeks to create and it’s no fantasia, but I wouldn’t call it shabby for one man’s first production.  The modest drawings are not intended to overshadow or mock the original artists. The meat of the matter is the combination of these two proprietary bits. It is simply an homage to two exemplary talents, despite accusations of copyright infringement.

So the video was on YouTube for a while and I would often check its statistics. Watching the charts fluctuate through time brought me a lot of enjoyment, and I was getting views from places that I never new existed. Qatar, for example. I would never have discovered that Qatar is a small peninsula on the larger peninsula of Arabia, just west of Dubai.


Of all of the places that my video was the least bit popular, it was most popular in Qatar. It surprised me that a country whose Muslim population is 77.5% would be so fond of the western David Bowie song. Well, I stumbled across this video from Iran, which is due north of Qatar and 98% Muslim. The following video explains the significance of this factor.

Fascinating. I always thought it was short people vs tall people.

164,505 views later I receive one of those cease and desist letters.




They took down my video for infringement, however, it can still be viewed on luvion’s YouTube channel. I do not know who luvion is, but I hope he/she finds hosting it as fulfilling as I did. Maybe luvion can stick an ad on it and make some money. Anyway, I’m glad it’s still alive somewhere on the Internet.

It may not be true, but I like this quote: “Only one thing is impossible for God: To find any sense in any copyright law on the planet.
– Mark Twain

Radio Slap

Pep Boys mailed me a $15 coupon. I could’ve bought windshield wipers, but I didn’t. I had big ideas for this ooga horn. Heres a schematic diagram I dreamt up; my patented recipe for ooga goodness. Seems simple enough, but I was enlightened by the guys at Radio Shack. They explained that this scenario is impossible, and suggested I forget about variable resistors and just buy a cell phone. Now, a fun thing to do would be to drive through the front of the store and let the clerks see how impossible it was. Awooga!    

Ooga Schematic

Ooga Schematic

In the year 2000

A.D. 2000, I took a year-long vacation to Memphis, TN. While there I used a Pentax SLR with a bit of Ilford PF4 125 to shoot some photos of an neat post-apocalyptic themed hangout near the Wonderbread factory. Now, in late August of 2009, at my parents’ house I have found the negatives. Of which many exposures have never been seen in photograph form… until now.


A guy wanted me to pay him for shaking birds out of a tree. If I had a dollar to spare I totally would have, but I was about to go to Steak and Ale for dinner.

Outskirts of Niota

On the road to North Carolina I linked up with an udder-tech from the Mayfield dairy farm. There was no internet access, so for entertainment we burned a pile of wood. The house is haunted. One way to curtail the creepiness of a haunted house, though, is to have someone snore all night. When I woke up no one was complaining about ghosts.


on a ledge at the lake

Percy P. Lake

A good place to go and jump off a cliff at Percy Priest Lake.

Mennies wanna stick me for my paper.

If you’re like me and carry a pocket knife, I highly recommend having it sharpened by Mennonites (at the flea market in Nashville, TN). They do a great job at a reasonable rate; $1 per blade. Do not question the quality of the craftsmanship. These are serious folk who’ve dedicated their lives to the sharpening of metal. As a matter of fact, while waiting in line I found myself standing on a smattering of someone’s blood. I didn’t catch what had happened. I can only speculate that a customer grabbed the wrong end, or maybe didn’t have enough money and got “stuck.”

This particular team doesn’t have a website to link to. I’ll see if i can’t blip up a copy of their pamphlet.